Life in the Australian Army
Dear Mum & Dad,
G’Day Mates! Oim really bonzer here. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Bruce that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing Fair Dinkum!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs’n’bacon but there’s no roo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are tuckered out because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – blimey mate its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers I keep getting medals just for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows, all ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it’s a piece of doddle!! You don’t even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck while you load!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Bruce and Crock and Boori and Dong and Muzza all at once like we do at home. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the SAS - he’s 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer for loads of the amber nectar.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sheila
G’Day Mates! Oim really bonzer here. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Bruce that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing Fair Dinkum!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs’n’bacon but there’s no roo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are tuckered out because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – blimey mate its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers I keep getting medals just for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows, all ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it’s a piece of doddle!! You don’t even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck while you load!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Bruce and Crock and Boori and Dong and Muzza all at once like we do at home. Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the SAS - he’s 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer for loads of the amber nectar.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sheila
Oath of Enlistment
ROYAL AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the Royal Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my (hehe) "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________
BRITISH ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the British Army because I couldn't score high enough on the entrance test to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Royal Marines, and the Royal Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.
I will wear CS95's every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every day that I am a fierce killing machine because the RSM told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my sixth form girlfriend. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "section." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job in civi street, and will end up working in security at Tesco with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me £1500 for education, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
ROYAL NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the Royal Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the arse of every item of clothing I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humour man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, lid, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am mates with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
ROYAL MARINES OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...hard-and-fast... grunt... Green Lid... ugh... WRNS.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the Royal Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my (hehe) "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________
BRITISH ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the British Army because I couldn't score high enough on the entrance test to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Royal Marines, and the Royal Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.
I will wear CS95's every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every day that I am a fierce killing machine because the RSM told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my sixth form girlfriend. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "section." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job in civi street, and will end up working in security at Tesco with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me £1500 for education, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
ROYAL NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the Royal Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the arse of every item of clothing I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humour man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, lid, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am mates with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
ROYAL MARINES OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...hard-and-fast... grunt... Green Lid... ugh... WRNS.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________
Military Humour
Military Wisdom
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 Blackbird operating base Kadena, Japan
- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
- "Never trade luck for skill."
- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh Shit!!!!"
- "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
- The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot).
New Navy Type 45 Destroyers
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
No sex since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
Sex and the Army
The commanding officer of an Army regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Army.
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Army.