15 Reasons to Play Golf
Alternative Olympics
A Good Walk Spoiled
Cage Fighting
For all that don’t know, I have been learning ‘Cage Fighting’ for some time now, and have been in serious training.
My first Cage Fight comes up soon and I am really going to give that bloody Budgie a bloody good hammering!!!!!
Wish me luck!
My first Cage Fight comes up soon and I am really going to give that bloody Budgie a bloody good hammering!!!!!
Wish me luck!
Chavopoly
Double Entendres
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Football Crazy
Going for Gold
Golf Shot of the Century
Gerrard
Golf on Christmas Day
Four men were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his friends and play a round of golf.
His friends all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, work out a way to do it and meet here early on Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first man says, 'My word! This game has cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second man says, 'I spent a lot too. My wife's at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third man says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'
They all turn to the fourth man who is staring at them as though they have lost their minds.
'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the backside and said,
'Well my dear, a Merry Christmas to you. It's an absolutely perfect morning for sex or golf' and she said, 'Take a sweater with you...'
His friends all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, work out a way to do it and meet here early on Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first man says, 'My word! This game has cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second man says, 'I spent a lot too. My wife's at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third man says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'
They all turn to the fourth man who is staring at them as though they have lost their minds.
'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the backside and said,
'Well my dear, a Merry Christmas to you. It's an absolutely perfect morning for sex or golf' and she said, 'Take a sweater with you...'
Giggsy
Golfing Terminology
- A Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner
- A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
- A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
- A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
- A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
- A Cuban - needs one more revolution
- An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
- An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
- A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
- A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
- A David Trimble - tentative prod
- A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
- An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
- A Russell Grant - a fat iron
- A Michael Barrymore - a long iron
- A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
- A Rodney King - over-clubbed
- An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
- A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
- A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
- A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
- A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
- A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but di dn't have the legs
- An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
- A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
- A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
- A ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
- A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
- A circus tent - a BIG top
- An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
- A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
- A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
I met a fairy at the bottom of my garden
She said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever” I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, “I am not allowed to grant that type of wish”.
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when England win the World Cup."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when England win the World Cup."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
London Olympics Logo Tweak
Manchester Derby
Manchester United
A man's wife said to him "Can you be more like Manchester United when we have sex"?
He replied "what do you mean"?
She said "Stay on top for ages then come second"!
He replied "what do you mean"?
She said "Stay on top for ages then come second"!
Motorist
A motorist is pulled over by the police who suspect he has been drinking. They invite him to blow into the breathalyzer.
'Sorry, officer,' he says, 'I can't do that for you.'
He then produces his wallet, from which he extracts a card on which is printed: National Health Service. The bearer of this card is a registered asthmatic. Any attempt to blow could lead to an attack which may prove fatal.
'Very good, sir,' says the policeman, 'If you would care to accompany us to the station we can take a blood sample.' 'Sorry, officer,' says the driver, 'I can't do that for you either.'
'And why not?'
The driver goes back to his wallet, from which he extracts different card. National Blood Transfusion Service. The bearer of this card is a registered haemophiliac. Any attempt to give blood may prove fatal.
'Fair enough, then,' says the copper, not a little impatiently,
'looks like it will have to be a urine sample. Please get into the van.'
A third card is produced: AFC Bournemouth. This man is a registered supporter. You are kindly requested not to take the piss out of him.
'Sorry, officer,' he says, 'I can't do that for you.'
He then produces his wallet, from which he extracts a card on which is printed: National Health Service. The bearer of this card is a registered asthmatic. Any attempt to blow could lead to an attack which may prove fatal.
'Very good, sir,' says the policeman, 'If you would care to accompany us to the station we can take a blood sample.' 'Sorry, officer,' says the driver, 'I can't do that for you either.'
'And why not?'
The driver goes back to his wallet, from which he extracts different card. National Blood Transfusion Service. The bearer of this card is a registered haemophiliac. Any attempt to give blood may prove fatal.
'Fair enough, then,' says the copper, not a little impatiently,
'looks like it will have to be a urine sample. Please get into the van.'
A third card is produced: AFC Bournemouth. This man is a registered supporter. You are kindly requested not to take the piss out of him.
Non League Football Fans at their Finest...
After their Goalkeeper let's a daft one in.
Pick Me
Pool Chick
Rugby Shirt
Spurs win at last
The Gayest Ref
Top 10 Golf Caddy Remarks
#10 Golfer: ‘Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.’
Caddy: ‘Think you can keep your head down that long?’
#9 Golfer: ‘I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.’
Caddy: ‘Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.’
#8 Golfer: ‘Do you think my game is improving?’
Caddy: ‘Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.’
#7 Golfer: ‘Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?’
Caddy: ‘Eventually.’
#6 Golfer: ‘You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.’
Caddy: ‘I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.’
#5 Golfer: ‘Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.’
Caddy: ‘It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.’
#4 Golfer: ‘How do you like my game?’
Caddy: ‘Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.’
#3 Golfer: ‘Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: ‘The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.’
#2 Golfer: ‘This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.’
Caddy: ‘This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.’
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: ‘That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.’
Caddy: ‘It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.’
And the old favourite…..is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies…. ‘There’s a bit of shit on the end of your club Sir’.
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says ‘The other end, Sir’
Caddy: ‘Think you can keep your head down that long?’
#9 Golfer: ‘I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.’
Caddy: ‘Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.’
#8 Golfer: ‘Do you think my game is improving?’
Caddy: ‘Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.’
#7 Golfer: ‘Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?’
Caddy: ‘Eventually.’
#6 Golfer: ‘You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.’
Caddy: ‘I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.’
#5 Golfer: ‘Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.’
Caddy: ‘It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.’
#4 Golfer: ‘How do you like my game?’
Caddy: ‘Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.’
#3 Golfer: ‘Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: ‘The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.’
#2 Golfer: ‘This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.’
Caddy: ‘This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.’
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: ‘That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.’
Caddy: ‘It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.’
And the old favourite…..is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies…. ‘There’s a bit of shit on the end of your club Sir’.
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says ‘The other end, Sir’
Why Ronaldo left Manchester United
Words of Wisdom from Footballers
- My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. " David Beckham
- "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka
- "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." David Beckham
- "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." Neville Southall
- "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Paul Gascoigne
- "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Alan Shearer
- "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona" Mark Draper
- "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." Peter Shilton
- "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester " Stan Collymore
- "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." Ade Akinbiyi
- "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." Ian Wright
- "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Ugo Ehiogu
- "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." Jonathan Woodgate
- "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Stuart Pearce
- "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Lee Hendrie
- "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Ian Rush
- "Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." Steve Lomas
- "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison
- "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." David Beckham
- "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." Phil Neville
- "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas
- "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Alan Shearer
- "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Johnny Giles
- "Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Thierry Henry