Book Me In
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
Chippy closes in Scotland
Defective Treadmill
Dentist
A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles.' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.'
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.'
Doctors
As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists. etc. And in this case a new Urologist for Mike.
His family Doctor just recently referred him to a just out of medical school female urologist. He saw her yesterday for the first time and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
But she told him that he must stop masturbating. He asked her why, and she said………..
"Because I'm trying to examine you....."
His family Doctor just recently referred him to a just out of medical school female urologist. He saw her yesterday for the first time and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
But she told him that he must stop masturbating. He asked her why, and she said………..
"Because I'm trying to examine you....."
Don't fall for this girls, it's a scam
Emergency Room Alabama Medical Centre
What do you reckon on this bloke's chances?
Family Planning Advice
Heaven
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
How not to work out
Life Expectancy
Medical Secretaries
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (apparently)
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
Medical Warning
Mental Health Hotline
Pharmacology
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. (as opposed to "Mountain Dew")
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. (as opposed to "Mountain Dew")
Second Opinion
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Senior Moment
Speech Therapist
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first ?”
The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “ London ”.
“Brilliant, Paddy” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first ?”
The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “ London ”.
“Brilliant, Paddy” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
Treatment
You are what you eat
"I'm baffled by your orange penis", the doctor told his patient. Does anyone else in our family have this con dition?".
The concerned fellow said "No".
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?".
"I don't work" the fellow said.
"What do you do all day" said the doctor?.
"Watch porn and eat wotsits"
The concerned fellow said "No".
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?".
"I don't work" the fellow said.
"What do you do all day" said the doctor?.
"Watch porn and eat wotsits"