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Ainsley
Camilla's new shoes
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"
"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man..."
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"
"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man..."
Did Phillip Fart?
Gillian
Heather
If you laugh you're a bad person
Los Angeles welcomes the Beckhams
Maddona
When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.
Now she is an unmarried, single mother with four kids from different fathers.
Job done.
Now she is an unmarried, single mother with four kids from different fathers.
Job done.
New Stamps
Nice Handful
Premium
Ready, Steady, Cook
“Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
So Anthony you had £5 to spend, what’s in you bag today?”
“I’ve got organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goat’s cheese, three bottles of cava and a bottle of Blue Nun, and I’ve still got £2.74 left over!”
So Anthony you had £5 to spend, what’s in you bag today?”
“I’ve got organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goat’s cheese, three bottles of cava and a bottle of Blue Nun, and I’ve still got £2.74 left over!”
Sean Connery - Legend
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, chuck, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex but while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay, our Sean".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind-blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser she knicked ma wallet."
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, chuck, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex but while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay, our Sean".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind-blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser she knicked ma wallet."
That Prat Bono
At a U2 concert in Glasgow , Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence:
"Well, stop fucking doing it then!!"
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence:
"Well, stop fucking doing it then!!"
The magic of Tommy Cooper
- Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
- Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
- A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
- I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
- Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
- A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
- 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
- A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
- A guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start!'
- Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
- Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round.' The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
- Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
- A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
- Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night.
Woss
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was pwepared to take.