Are you from Cornwall?
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'Ere my ansum you sound like you do come from Cornwall?'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes I do my luvver, Cornish and proud of it!'
The first guy says, 'Well oggee, oggee, oggee! So am I! A proud man of Cornwall meself. And where about from Cornwall do ee come from ?'
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Camborne, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So be I!'
'Oh my Gar! And where abouts did you live then ?'
The other guy says, 'Twas rare yo, ansum place, called Dolcoath Avenue' The first guy says, 'Well I'll be blawed! Tes a small world. Me too yo! Me too! And what school did ee go to then?'
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to Camborne school, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'Well, bless my soul! And I did! So when did you leave'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964, went to work at Holmans.'
The first guy exclaims, 'Would you b'lieve that! Fancy us being in the same bar tonight! Can you believe it? I left Camborne school in 1964 an went to work at Holman's too!'
About this time, Demelza walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Demelza, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Demelza asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Trelawney twins are pissed again.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes I do my luvver, Cornish and proud of it!'
The first guy says, 'Well oggee, oggee, oggee! So am I! A proud man of Cornwall meself. And where about from Cornwall do ee come from ?'
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Camborne, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So be I!'
'Oh my Gar! And where abouts did you live then ?'
The other guy says, 'Twas rare yo, ansum place, called Dolcoath Avenue' The first guy says, 'Well I'll be blawed! Tes a small world. Me too yo! Me too! And what school did ee go to then?'
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to Camborne school, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'Well, bless my soul! And I did! So when did you leave'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964, went to work at Holmans.'
The first guy exclaims, 'Would you b'lieve that! Fancy us being in the same bar tonight! Can you believe it? I left Camborne school in 1964 an went to work at Holman's too!'
About this time, Demelza walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Demelza, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Demelza asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Trelawney twins are pissed again.'
BP
British Life
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Diary of an Englishman
'Our First Winter....'
DEC. 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife & I took out hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful & peaceful.
DEC. 24th
Woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight everything covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway & the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along & accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back & shoveled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes & a carrot for a nose and had a snowball fight - a couple just missed me & hit the car so I threw a couple back & joined in the fun.
DEC. 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp. dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again! Much of the snow is now brownish/grey.
JAN. 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temp. dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to physio but nothing was broken.
JAN. 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car & bought her a 4X4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall & did considerable damage to right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt & iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel?
JAN.9th
More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles & a paraffin heater that tipped over & nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost my eyebrows & eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty & was written off!
JAN. 13th
Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little shits next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arses; it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch that arsehole that drives that snowplough I'll chew open his chest & rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides round the corner & waits for me to finish shovelling & then he accelerates down the street like Michael fucking Schumacher & buries the fucking drive again.
JAN. 17th
16 more sodding inches of fucking snow & fucking ice & fucking sleet & God knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 & more bastard snow is forecast.
DEC. 20TH
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife & I took out hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful & peaceful.
DEC. 24th
Woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight everything covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway & the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along & accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back & shoveled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes & a carrot for a nose and had a snowball fight - a couple just missed me & hit the car so I threw a couple back & joined in the fun.
DEC. 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp. dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again! Much of the snow is now brownish/grey.
JAN. 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temp. dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to physio but nothing was broken.
JAN. 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car & bought her a 4X4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall & did considerable damage to right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt & iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel?
JAN.9th
More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles & a paraffin heater that tipped over & nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost my eyebrows & eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty & was written off!
JAN. 13th
Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little shits next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arses; it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch that arsehole that drives that snowplough I'll chew open his chest & rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides round the corner & waits for me to finish shovelling & then he accelerates down the street like Michael fucking Schumacher & buries the fucking drive again.
JAN. 17th
16 more sodding inches of fucking snow & fucking ice & fucking sleet & God knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 & more bastard snow is forecast.
Exam Papers
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.
Below are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
Below are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
Fancy Dress
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Happy Chav Land
Heard on the London Underground
- "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
- "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
- "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
- "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now...... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
- "We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
- "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
- During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
- "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
- "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
- "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
- "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
- "To the gentleman wearing the long gray coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
- "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
If Only
Lady in Harrods
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well..
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well..
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
Rum, Sodomy and the Life Jacket
It’s almost 200 years since Lord Nelson’s famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral’s uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he’s been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered rascist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.
That won’t be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?
I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we’re not.
We’re not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.
Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it’s to be encouraged sir.
In that case – kiss me Hardy.
How Nelson would have fared if he’s been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered rascist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.
That won’t be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?
I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we’re not.
We’re not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.
Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it’s to be encouraged sir.
In that case – kiss me Hardy.
The Sad Passing of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
If you still remember him pass this on.
If not join the majority... and do nothing.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
If you still remember him pass this on.
If not join the majority... and do nothing.
Scousers
A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
Sharon
The probation service and social services pay a visit to Sharon a single mother of 12, yes twelve, young boys, proper scallywags, all called Wayne.
She explains there is no problem with the children all having the same name, and in fact its sometimes easier, for example "come and get your tea Wayne", or "get out of bed Wayne you’ll be late for court" and they all react. It saves time.
The social service busybody asks Sharon "but what if you want to speak to them individually?"
"Oh that’s easy" replies Sharon "I call them by their surnames!!!!"
She explains there is no problem with the children all having the same name, and in fact its sometimes easier, for example "come and get your tea Wayne", or "get out of bed Wayne you’ll be late for court" and they all react. It saves time.
The social service busybody asks Sharon "but what if you want to speak to them individually?"
"Oh that’s easy" replies Sharon "I call them by their surnames!!!!"
Teaching Maths in Britain
1. 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?
3. 1990:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
4. 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. 2005:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. 2009:
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. 2012:
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?
3. 1990:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
4. 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. 2005:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. 2009:
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. 2012:
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.