Abstract Noun
Contagious
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
Mrs. Harrington
Daddy's Little Girl
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are th os e two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
“That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No darling. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden."
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are th os e two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
“That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No darling. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden."
Don't yell in the house
Goldfish
Hilarious
Learning to Swear
A 7 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops".
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops".
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose
and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cos he'll be fucked if he needs glasses."
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose
and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cos he'll be fucked if he needs glasses."
School Trip
Twins
When it's OK to use the 'F' word
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" He asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." Came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the
phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter." Answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered. "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked. "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggled. "Me."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." Came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the
phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter." Answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered. "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked. "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggled. "Me."
Worryingly Perceptive Kids
How do you decide who to marry?
- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10
- Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
- No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6
- You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
- Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
- Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10
- I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
- When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
- The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
- The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
- There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
- Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10